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05 November 2009 @ 02:10 pm
The New Hottest Band in the World  
This is a little satire piece, written by several people - a nod to the Golden Dreams Fan Fest over in A1E and to those who have... beaten Dan Ryan.

NOT posted in the actual fanfest thread - because there are non-A1E people involved, and involved without their permission. Thus, these are spoofs and not the opinions necessarily of the characters involved.

Either way - funny.

Here we go:


[Over to one side of the A1E Golden Dreams Fan Fest, a gigantic stage has been erected. This year, Nathan Houston has booked various bands to play while the fans enjoy all the fun that comes with an event like this.

One person, however, is not very happy.

CASTOR V. STRIFE stomps over to behind the stage, looking pissed off.]

Castor: Goddamnit, where is everyone? You should be sound-checking, you're on in ten minutes!

[Off to the side, NOVA lights up a joint, while LINDSAY TROY shrugs.]

LT: I dunno.

[CASTOR looks around to the empty instruments on stage, then back to the "band."]

Castor: Where's James Irish?

LT: Irish is probably getting more people for his Mafia Guild or whatever he does on Facebook these days that blows up my Live News Feed.

Castor: Big Dog?

Nova: Heard he was going to Indiana.

LT: And I told you that Clarence Clemons* is on tour with the Boss. Did you call Bill Clinton** to fill in on sax?

Castor (groans): He's too busy getting Hilary's pantsuits from the dry cleaners. Where's Jecht?

Nova: I think he's still reeling from your witty, scathing repartee during promo week.

LT: He was whining about having to play bass anyway, since nobody cares about the bassist.

Nova: Didn't he want to do vocals?

LT: Isn't it bad enough to listen to him talk? You want him to SING too?

[Nova lets out a stream of smoke from his nostrils.]

Nova: Point.

Castor: UGH. Well there's only one thing left to do...I gotta call Duchess.

[TROY scowls.]

LT: No, FUCK THAT. I told you that I'm not letting her in the band. If you want to be our videographer, that's cool, but you have no say in who gets to be in the group. That was the agreement.

Nova: I don't think they make mic stands short enough for her, anyway. They cut them off at Ronnie James Dio height.

LT: And it's not in the budget for an industrial-size ladder.

Castor: Aren't you two mega-bajillionares? You're telling me you can't afford a ladder?

Nova: The economy, man. Come on.

LT: Besides, it's the principle of the thing.

Nova: Plus, we're lazy.

LT: PLUS, if I send Greenie to get one, the only thing he'll come back with is a bookie slip for the Pats/Dolphins game this weekend. (Beat) I think he has a gambling problem.

[The entire Universe nods their collective heads in agreement.]

Castor: Well great. Isn't this JUST GREAT. And I even brought the Voice-Over guy to intro the band.

Phil The V/O Guy: IN A WORLD WHERE CAMERON CRUISE IS WORLD CHAMPION AND A BIRD CAN SPREAD HATE JUST BY TAKING FLIGHT...

[CUT-TO: CROSS' FALCON flying over the crowd, pulling a banner that says "Harlots."]

Phil the V/O Guy: ONE BAND DARES TO STAND UP FOR TRUTHINESS, THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, AND AWESOME 90S COVER SONGS...

Castor (yelling over the V/O guy): Where'd the bird come from?

LT (yelling over the V/O guy): Oh, I asked Xandor if I could borrow him. In return I have to persuade Nathan Houston to have Cruise job the belt to him.

Phil the V/O Guy: THEY'RE "BEATING DAN RYAN!" AND THEY'RE COMING TO RAWK!!! \m/ \m/

Nova: Hey, we beat Dan Ryan!

LT: Even though he tries to pretend I didn't!

Phil the V/O Guy: BEATING DAN RYAN! COMING TO THE 2009 A1E GOLDEN DREAMS FAN FESTIVAL! A Castor V. Strife production.

[CASTOR, NOVA and TROY all clap. Overhead, CROSS' FALCON screeches.]

Castor: Well, this was wrought with epic fail. I guess I'll just go tell Houston the gig is off.

[He walks off.]

LT: Good thing I said we'd do this for free, or else we'd have to give money back.

Nova: Times be rough. Let's go get some booze. DRINKING CONTEST!

LT: You're not allowed to make me laugh when I'm chugging an Irish Car Bomb this time, ass.

[CUT-TO: CROSS' FALCON, landing on Troy's shoulder, wearing a sign that says "FADE TO BLACK."]





*beat Dan Ryan in a Thumb War.
**beat Dan Ryan at Banging Interns
 
 
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on November 6th, 2009 01:06 pm (UTC)
LOL
I was rolling when I read this. They were even pretty accurate with Castor's dialogue, too. Awesome job!

-Billy
(Deleted comment)